What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

What does it mean when we dream about demons, ghosts, monsters, etc.?

As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

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But, we were locked up after school.

We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!

She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

Who writes and reads novels nowadays?

He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.

19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

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I said to her

Who then, do I blame.?

So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

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Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

Im dying but, im not bitter.

My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

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I write beautiful poetry .

I waited trembling.

I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

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I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

Especially a lifetime of it.

I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

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My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

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I was 9 years of age.

I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

All the time i was locked up.

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I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .

You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

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That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.

Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

He resisted the act ,that day.

But im dying ,and its too late for me.

He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.

Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.

One cannot hold on to bitterness.

And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

I was writing from the time i was a small child.

Im still living with it.

I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

Put me off passion for life!!

I know ,a lot about trauma.

But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

But ive been too sick for many years..

She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.

I have no regrets .

She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

Thats was my nicest nick name for him

Would this be the day?

As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!

My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

On the 31st of Jan this month .

She loved him until the end.

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

We all went to grammer schools

When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

And i lived it daily.

My mum and dad in the seventies!

This is how, and why children get BPD.

Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

I was scared of men, in general

He knew the spot.

She wouldn,t have been !

One cannot live in the past .

I never cut or harmed myself..

I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

My family never makes their pension either.

I suffer greatly, because of BPD..

Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

I don,t even have a pension.

At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

It was going to be , some day.

Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.

As i do to all so called friends.?

With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!

I of course replied” arh beautiful!

They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

I think the readers, may guess!

Where the ultimate outsiders.

My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.

But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

He was dying to do it , i knew.

So whats the point in blame.

I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

And who doesn’t know suffering?

Was to survive, this bastard.

The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

So, i spoilt her more .

I could never make a relationship work though!

My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

Ive learnt so much.

His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

The only rule us 5 kids had .

I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

She died at 55 of colon cancer.

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.

Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

They are buried together, in the same grave..

Another so called friend had bit the dust..

She found it foreign!.

When she asked me how she looked .

His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

She was in good health!

The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

I couldn’t, believe it.

I did it because my mum asked me too!

We were not on the streets..

But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

Comes on , in middle age.

Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

My life is so biszare .

I will be 64.

Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

(And it was in our own minds.)

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

But it wasn’t much.

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.

Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.

He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

She married twice! .

Why did i forgive my father ?

The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

I had hoped to write a book about this .

This is soul school!.

He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

I was seconnd youngest,

What did i know ?

I was very sick at this time too.

It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.